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3.42pm Anyone out there?
3.38pm "Your comment about Everton is exactly what I've been saying for years," says Sean Moore. "Even my wife agrees with you, and she's currently basking in the glow of the 'King Kenny' Liverpool renaissance, and excitedly awaiting the pre-season spending spree, whilst Moyes (if he decides to put himself through for yet another season) has only the prospect of rummaging around in the lower league bargain basement, whilst trying to protect his star players from the evil clutches of Ferguson, Wenger, Mancini etc to look forward to." I wouldn't be surprised if Moyes takes a job that is ostensibly a step down from Everton. His job is almost a football equivalent of working 65 hours a week merely to earn enough money to survive. I don't know how long even he can keep it up.
3.35pm: ARTETA MISSES A PENALTY FOR EVERTON Charles N'Zogbia, who put Wigan ahead, then gives away a stupid penalty but Ali Al-Habsi saves Mikel Arteta's effort. So it's still Wigan 1-0 Everton, and Wigan remain outside the relegation zone for now.
3.34pm: SUNDERLAND 0-1 FULHAM (Kakuta 33) Gael Kakuta, on loan from Chelsea, has poked Fulham ahead from close range.
3.33pm David Connolly has made it Brentford 0-2 Southampton. I wonder if Cameron Diaz is there. Anyway, Southampton now look very good for automatic promotion. All they need to do is close this game out and beat relegat! ion-thre atened Walsall at home next week.
3.32pm "Probably should add that I'm not actually in any danger of hanging myself," says Oliver Lewis, "so everyone can breathe a sigh of relief and get on with the football."
3.31pm "About to go feed and keep company a cat belonging to a neighbour who has EVERY SINGLE CHANNEL you can own here in the US," says Jonny Mac. "Let's see if an episode of Kojak's on."
3.30pm These are the latest Premier League scores.
Blackburn 1-0 Bolton
Blackpool 0-0 Stoke
Sunderland 0-0 Fulham
West Brom 0-1 Aston Villa
Wigan 1-0 Everton
If things stay like that, West Ham will be five points from safety before and after their match at Manchester City tomorrow.
3.27pm "If I were to hang myself to a song," chirps Oliver Lewis, "Factory Girls by Tindersticks would be a contender. I Won't Share You by the Smiths maybe wins though." I don't really know what to say.
3.25pm Here's Gary Naylor and, in what is surely a first, he's armed with the word 'numpty'. "Some numpty on Five Live has just remarked that 'Everton can finish seventh at best, which represents underachievement for them'," he says. "Oh yeah? So Moyes is expected to fashion a squad to finish ahead of one of the usual Big Four + Manchester City + Tottenham? Anything in the top half has me hallelujahing that Moyes is as committed to the club as he is - we're very, very lucky to have him." That is a pretty daft comment.
3.23pm: Blackburn 1-0 Bolton (Olsson 20) This isn't the best news for Wolves and West Ham either, or for Blackpool: Martin Olsson has put Blackburn ahead at Ewood Park, an excellent drive with the outside of the left foot from the edge of the area.
3.21pm: WIGAN 1-0 Everton (N'Zogbia 21) This is very bad news for Wolves and West Ham. Charles N'Zogbia has put Wigan ahead with a lovely curling shot from the right corne! r of the six-yard box. If Wigan do end up going down, he will be an excellent buy from somebody.
3.19pm At the top of League Two, Southampton have taken the lead away to Brentford thanks to a goal from Adam Lallana. So they jump back into second place.
3.17pm A brilliant goal-line clearance from Paul Robinson keeps Bolton level at Blackburn.
3.16pm These are the latest scores in the Premier League, where it's all happening.
Blackburn 0-0 Bolton
Blackpool 0-0 Stoke
Sunderland 0-0 Fulham
West Brom 0-1 Aston Villa
Wigan 0-0 Everton
3.15pm "The most striking thing about the Swans video is the fact the singer has adopted a cod-Leonard Cohen voice," says Ryan Dunne. "If one wants to do a depressing song that is, surely, cheating? Also, is the rabbit supposed to be holding a ennui-symbolising carrot, or an orange knife presumably for suicidal purposes?" I thought it was just a rabbit.
3.12pm A big goal in the League One promotion race: Benik Afobe has put Huddersfield ahead at Brighton, who are already promoted. Given the relationship between Brighton and Southampton, the team Huddersfield are trying to overtake, I'm sure the Brighton fans are inconsolable.
3.11pm "I googled this Kojak obsession of yours and turns out he played the arch villain Ernst Stavro Blofeld in a very disappointing Bond instalment right after Connery left the franchise," says Phil Podolsky. "It has all this potential: the song is proper magical and Diana Rigg is her usual regal self, yet the stooge who plays 007 and unnecessary sequences that stretch the film to two and half hours spoil it all. There you go, some Saturday afternoon 007 b***er." Look, I know I went straight home last nig! ht and o rdered every Kojak boxset as well as a flight to see Telly Savalas's grave, but don't you think the word 'obsession' is a bit strong.
3.10pm Derby are trailing at home to Bristol City. That's the last home game of his career. Here's something to remember him by.
3.06pm "Warning to readers," says Michael Cosgrove. "Do NOT watch the Swans video. I've had that depressing dirge stuck in my head for the last hour. Am now making a noose." Hang on, that D-word is unfair. You can call it dirge, sure, but no way is it depressing.
3.05pm: WEST BROM 0-1 ASTON VILLA (Meite own goal 4) A farcical own goal gives Villa the lead at the Hawthorns. Stewart Downing crossed from the right of the box and Abdoulaye Meite, in trying to clear with his wrong foot, the right, sliced it hopelessly into the far corner. Real slapstick nonsense, the sort that would have Denis Norden chortling like there's no tomorrow.
2.59pm "Four of the bottom five have very winnable games this weekend," says S Dickens. "If I were a West Ham fan I'd be thinking that our failure might well be all but confirmed this weekend. Being a Toon fan am thinking picking up Scott Parker, Carlton Cole and Matthew Upson on the cheap." Why on earth would anyone want to buy Can't Control? (Also, although those four games are winnable, I wouldn't be at all surprised if none of them were actually won.)
2.52pm "You said that Wigan v. Everton has the most riding on it," says Phil Walsh. "That's obviously true for Wigan fans, but what about us Evertonians? Another season and all that happens by the end of it is Cahill, Arteta, and Jagielka get older while Rodwell and Coleman play well enough to attract the attention of bigger clubs. Everton can now not hope of qualifying for the Champions League. Hell, we can't even get into the Europa League anymore. At least fans of clubs bad enough to serio! usly ris k being relegated have something to look forward to. The inevitable 'Survival Saturday/Sunday' weekend coming up would interest me a lot of a lot more if I was even slightly emotionally invested in it." Yep. It's ridiculous really. David Moyes has to work exceptionally well every season merely to maintain a slightly tedious status quo. I have a lot of sympathy for him as he is clearly an outstanding manager. In many ways, Everton are the greatest example of what an indefensible disgrace the Premier League has become.
Whatever happens in the football, this is the best thing you'll see today. If Kojak had been a footballer he'd have been Obdulio Varela, and praise doesn't come much higher round these parts.
2.46pm "Any idea why Clint Dempsey isn't available today?" asks Levi Harris. "I seem to have made a fantasy football faux pas." I think his wish has come true.
"Which game to watch?" says Jonny Mac. "I have the choice of three live games, '...all in glorious HD': Wigan v Everton, Sunderland v Fulham and West Brom v Villa. Which should I go for? Quite fancy the Midlands derby but is that the right choice. What to do?" Do you have a Kojak boxset? If so, I'd get that on. (But if you insist on watching some football, I would go for Wigan v Everton. It has the most riding on it.)
Wigan v Everton team news
Wigan Al Habsi, Boyce, Gary Caldwell, Alcaraz, Figueroa, Diame, Watson, N'Zogbia, McCarthy, Cleverley, Rodallega.
Subs: Kirkland, Gohouri, Di Santo, Moses, Gomez, McArthur, Sammon.
Everton Howard, Hibbert, Jagielka, Distin, Baines, Osman, Neville, Rodwell, Arteta, Cahill, Anichebe.
Subs: Mucha, Bilyaletdinov, Beckford, Gueye, Coleman, Vellios, Duffy.
Referee Lee Mason (Lancashire)
! West Bro m v Aston Villa team news
West Brom Carson, Jara, Meite, Olsson, Shorey, Vela, Scharner, Mulumbu, Morrison, Cox, Odemwingie.
Subs: Myhill, Tchoyi, Pablo, Miller, Hurst, Fortune, Tamas.
Aston Villa Friedel, Walker, Collins, Dunne, Luke Young, Ashley Young, Reo-Coker, Petrov, Downing, Agbonlahor, Bent.
Subs: Marshall, Pires, Albrighton, Bradley, Delph, Clark, Cuellar.
Referee Phil Dowd (Staffordshire)
Sunderland v Fulham team news
Sunderland Mignolet; Elmohamady, Turner, Onuoha, Bardsley; Henderson, Cattermole, Colback, Muntari, Malbranque, Sessegnon.
Subs: Carson, Mensah, Zenden, Riveros, Ferdinand, Adams, Lynch.
Fulham Schwarzer, Salcido, Senderos, Hughes, Baird, Kakuta, Murphy, Sidwell, Davies, Zamora, Gudjohnsen. Subs: Stockdale, Kelly, Johnson, Etuhu, Greening, Dembele, Hoesen.
Referee Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)
Blackburn v Bolton team news
Blackburn Robinson; Salgado, Samba, Phil Jones, Givet, Emerton, Nzonzi, Jermaine Jones, Olsson, Roberts, Benjani.
Subs: Bunn, Kalinic, Pedersen, Santa Cruz, Rochina, Hanley, Diouf.
Bolton Bogdan, Cahill, Wheater, Knight, Robinson, Moreno, Cohen, Gardner, Taylor, Elmander, Kevin Davies.
Subs: Jaaskelainen, Muamba, Petrov, Klasnic, Blake, Alonso, Lee.
Referee Mike Dean (Wirral)
Blackpool v Stoke team news
Blackpool (4-3-3) Gilks; Eardley, Evatt, Baptiste, Crainey; Southern, Adam, Vaughan; Taylor-Fletcher, Campbell, Phillips.
Subs: Kingson, Ormerod, Varney, Cathcart, Kornilenko, Puncheon, Reid.
Stoke (4-4-2) Begovic; Wilkinson, Huth, Shawcross, Wilson; Pennant, Whitehead, Whelan, Delap; Walters, Jones.
Subs: Sorensen, Collins, Pugh, Diao, Carew, Faye, Shotton.
Referee Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)
Thanks to Bogota Bandit, of th e Red Issue Sanctuary, for pointing out this arfgasmic video.
Random football video department This man was in his sixties when he did this.
Good cause department My colleague Steph Fincham will be cycling across Sri Lanka next February to raise funds for the Mines Advisory Group. You don't really need me to tell you how worthy a cause it is, and you can sponsor Steph here if you wish.
As today's theme is failure, there is only one appropriate soundtrack.
Preamble Hello. Today's clockwatch is all about failure, and the attempted avoidance thereof if, indeed, failure is how relegation should be defined in a competition so inherently unfair that only a chosen few a realistic chance of success. But that's how the Premier League is these days, and each of today's five 3pm fixtures involve at least one side who could still go down this season.
That, admittedly, is highly unlikely in the case of Sunderland v Fulham and West Brom v Aston Villa. All four sides have reached the magic 40-point mark, and only one side has been relegated since 1998 after reaching that total: West Ham in 2002-03. The other three fixtures, however, are of huge importance. Blackburn, Blackpool and Wigan, the teams who lie 16th, 17th and 18th, have tricky but winnable home games against sides who sit between seventh and 10th and have little to play for except pride, and we all know that's overrated.
We'll also be keeping an eye of the Football League, particularly Vicarage Road (any excuse to talk about Watford, eh), where QPR's promotion to the Premier League will be confirmed if they avoid defeat.
These are the Premier League fixtures, with predictions on which you are strongly advised not to stake your mortgage, or your last Rolo:
Blackburn 1-1 Bolton
Blackpool 0-2 Stoke
Sunderland 1-1 Fulham
West Bro! m 2-0 As ton Villa
Wigan 1-3 Everton
And here's the Premier League table, which will update throughout the afternoon as the goals go in and the speculative shots go for throw-ins.
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