Saturday football clockwatch | Alan Gardner
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GOAL! West Brom 1-1 Tottenham (Adebayor 24) ... but the rebound falls to Adebayor and the Spurs striker makes amends, popping in the equaliser.
PENALTY SAVED! Foster keeps out Emmanuel Adebayor's weak effort from the spot ...
PENALTY! for Tottenham, after Nicky Shorey bundled over Aaron Lennon in the box.
3.21pm: "Rejoice! The main site know who you are, they just missed the A off, so your name is LAN, not Ian. Phew!" Phew indead, Andrew Williams - and take that Cohen, you miserablist. I've always been a fan of Local Area Networks, so in a way I'm honoured.
RED CARD! for Bolton, where David Wheater has been given his marching orders for the second time this season. Iain Dowie says that although Wheater was off the floor, it was a horrendous decision (apparently there was minimal contact with Everton's Bilyaletdinov) - which almost certainly means the ref got it spot on.
3.17pm: Newcastle are soaking up United's attacks like a super-absorbant sponge. Down in League Two, meanwhile (and we mean really far down), Plymouth are now 3-0 up against Northampton after 17 minutes!
GOAL! Norwich 1-0 QPR (Martin 15) Some defensive shambling allows Russell 'All Action' Martin to put the Canaries ahead and increase Neil Warnock's fume-ometer up to 11 (apparently he's narked that the Premier League wouldn't let him sign a back-up 'keeper during the week).
3.12pm: We've also had two goals at Parkhead, with Georgios Samaras and Gary! Hooper making it Celtic 2-0 St Mirren. "Given the way Marseille are going at the minute, might be worth getting back in touch," says Philippa Booth. "Remember to be polite to Didier." I could be the Joe Cole of the south (of France)!
GOAL! Sunderland 1-0 Wigan (Larsson 8) It seems my pessimism was well placed - in that I've been immediately proved wrong and we have our third Premier League goal inside the first 10 minutes.
GOAL! West Brom 1-0 Tottenham (Mulumbu 10) It's another early goal for the Baggies, scored by Yousseff Mulumbu. Was Paul 'Nostradamus' Doyle correct? After taking 25 points from 27, are Spurs about to come unstuck in the Midlands?
GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 Wolves (Terry 6) What an inspiration that man is! John Terry rises unchallenged to head in Juan Mata's corner, the ball taking a deflection off of Stephen Ward before bobbling into the corner. JT celebrates - and the country smiles again.
3.05pm: "Just thought I'd let you know that Big Paper loves you so much, you're called Ian Gardner on the front page!" That news from, er, Leonard Cohen, apparently.
3.04pm: United have "started brightly", according to Matt Le Tissier. I cannot confirm or deny that myself.
3.02pm: I told you that Queen of the South game would be one to watch (see preamble): the first goal of the afternoon has arrived for the visitors, courtesy of Scott McLaughlin, which means it's Morton 0-1 QotS.
3pm: Adverts! Er, I mean, Peep! and away we go!
2.59pm: I actually once received an email from someone claiming to be a football agent. He suggested he could get me trials at, among others, Southend, Marseille and Sparta Rotterdam. I wish I'd replied.
2.57pm: We're approaching the hallowed hour. Anyone received any good spam recently? Remember, we're all in this together ...
2.55! pm: It's still a month away, but I'm now prepared to admit its existence. What do you want for your team for Christmas?
A new striker for Wigan? A new owner for Everton? A sense of perspective at Chelsea?
Bolton v Everton
Bolton (starring the Two Davieses): Jaaskelainen, Wheater, Cahill, Knight, Robinson, Mark Davies, Muamba, Reo-Coker, Eagles, Klasnic, Kevin Davies.
Subs: Bogdan, Steinsson, Sanli, Petrov, Pratley, Kakuta, O'Halloran.
Everton (the neutral's favourites): Howard, Hibbert, Jagielka, Heitinga, Baines, Coleman, Fellaini, Osman, Bilyaletdinov, Cahill, Saha.
Subs: Mucha, Stracqualursi, Gueye, Barkley, Vellios, Mustafi, McAleny.
Referee: Michael Oliver (Northumberland)
2.44pm: An interesting twist? "Mike Jones has replaced Phil Dowd as the referee at Old Trafford, I don't know why," reports Ben Monk. "I'd be surprised if you get a more exciting email than this this afternoon." We don't like to set the bar high, Ben. Will Mike Jones be bringing his best bulldog-chewing-on-a-stinging-nettle face to Old Trafford? He's got big shoes (or maybe that should be shorts?) to fill.
Chelsea v Wolverhampton
Chelsea (violins for Frank, please): Cech, Ivanovic, Luiz, Terry, Cole, Ramires, Meireles, Romeu, Mata, Sturridge, Drogba.
Subs: Turnbull, Lampard, Torres, Mikel, Malouda, Bosingwa, Kalou.
Wolverhampton (featuring comedy's Ronald Zubar): Hennessey, Zubar, Berra, Johnson, Elokobi, Jarvis, Henry, Milijas, Ward, Edwards, Fletcher.
Subs: De Vries, Craddock, Ebanks-Blake, Hammill, Doherty, Guedioura, Forde.
Referee: Lee Mason (Lancashire) Chelsea v Wolverhampton
2.39pm: It's all over in the Potteries, where Blackburn have again valiantly gifted the opposition all three points. They didn't play that badly ... They're almost certainly going to go down.
Norwich v QPR
Norwich (bringing in De Laet, Surman and Jackson): Ruddy, Martin, Barnett, De Laet, Tierney, Pilkington, Johnson, Crofts, Surman, Morison, Jackson.
Subs: Rudd, Holt, Hoolahan, Fox, Bennett, Wilbraham, Naughton.
QPR (with 37-year-old Radek Cerny in goal): Cerny, Young, Gabbidon, Ferdinand, Hill, Wright-Phillips, Derry, Faurlin, Traore, Mackie, Helguson.
Subs: Putnins, Orr, Hall, Bothroyd, Buzsaky, Smith, Puncheon.
Referee: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)
West Brom v Tottenham
West Brom (don't mess with the Zoltan): Foster, Reid, McAuley, Olsson, Shorey, Brunt, Mulumbu, Morrison, Thomas, Gera, Long.
Subs: Fulop, Tchoyi, Dorrans, Odemwingie, Jones, Cox, Scharner.
Tottenham (missing VdV and Lil Luka): Friedel, Walker, Kaboul, King, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Parker, Sandro, Bale, Adebayor, Defoe.
Subs: Cudicini, Gallas, Bassong, Livermore, Kane, Pienaar, Fredericks.
Referee: Lee Probert (Wiltshire)
2.32pm: Hearing whispers that Oriel Romeu will start in midfield for Chelsea today, alongside Raul Meireles and Ramires. And Paul Doyle, who'll be boing-boinging in the Baggies press box today, has the following ill tidings for Tottenham fans:
Today the day Spurs winning run ends? Van der Vaart and Modric both out ...
Elsewhere, in actual football-happening-action, there's been late goal for Blackburn at the Britannia, where they now trail Stoke 3-1. Follow their doomed efforts a! t a come back with Rob Smyth.
Sunderland v Wigan
Sunderland (with a strong ex-Man Utd presence): Westwood, O'Shea, Bardsley, Turner, Brown, Cattermole, Larsson, Colback, Sessegnon, Richardson, Bendtner.
Subs: Carson, Gardner, Vaughan, Ji, Meyler, McClean, Elmohamady.
Wigan (featuring Conor 'Leaping' Sammon up top): Al Habsi, Gohouri, Caldwell, Stam, Figueroa, McCarthy, Moses, Gomez, Jones, Diame, Sammon.
Subs: Pollitt, Crusat, Watson, Di Santo, McArthur, Rodallega, Lopez.
Referee: Kevin Friend (Leicestershire)
Team news! Team news! Team news!
This first batch is especially for GM (@watpoae), who tweets: "Phil Jones to score for United today, you heard it here first!"
Man Utd v Newcastle
Man Utd (minus Phil Jones - no, he's not even on the bench): De Gea, Fabio Da Silva, Vidic, Ferdinand, Evra, Nani, Carrick, Giggs, Young, Rooney, Hernandez.
Subs: Lindegaard, Evans, Smalling, Park, Valencia, Macheda, Gibson.
Newcastle (featuring former Man Utd do-nothing Gabriel Obertan): Krul, Simpson, Steven Taylor, Coloccini, Ryan Taylor, Obertan, Cabaye, Guthrie, Gutierrez, Ben Arfa, Ba.
Subs: Elliot, Santon, Lovenkrands, Perch, Gosling, Shola Ameobi, Sammy Ameobi.
Referee: Phil Dowd (Staffordshire)
Goals! We love 'em: The last six rounds (if you'll allow me to use the European style) of the Premier League have seen at least three goals per game, in what has been a remarkable glut of scoring/nadir of defending. With six 3pm kick-offs today, you'd think there's plenty of scope for Merse to loose a tooth - but without Manchester City, Liverpool, Arsenal or, er, Aston Villa at Swansea, our best hopes for a 3pm Thriller might rest on the counterpunching Canaries against away ! speciali sts Queens Park Rangers.
Manchester United, of course, began the season in fine, flowing style, but have gone back into their trusty shell since that derby defeat. On the back of a trio of 1-0 wins, and against a solid Newcastle side (formerly Tyneside Toon Time FC), who hold the joint-best defensive record in the league, this weather forecaster, in the finest Met Office tradition, is not predicting goals. Where to for drama, then? Maybe to the Bridge of Sighs, where Andr Villas-Boas comes up against a man who knows a thing or two about getting stick from your own: Mick McCarthy and his Wolves side. According to our match preview, Chelsea under AVB have to most effective offside trap in the league; it's just a pity they've given up on the other aspects of defending.
Meanwhile, at the Reebok, Bolton host Everton in a clash of the teams-everyone-thought-would-be-fine-but-are-actually-struggling-more-than-expected (aka. Cahill versus Cahill); Spurs will travel to West Brom looking for a first win at the Hawthorns in eight years; and a strangely supine Sunderland host shot-shy Wigan (10 goals in 12 games), with Steve Bruce hoping to record only a second home win against his old club. So, like I said, there could be a lot resting on Norwich v QPR.
Anyway, in this age of information overload, it's the frippery you come here for, isn't it? So, apropos of not a lot, here are some distractions ...
Song of the clockwatch: On Your Own (an appropriate theme for an MBM, I think you'll agree)
Word of the clockwatch: Boondoggle (an appropriate sentiment for an MBM, I think you'll agree)
YouTube clip of the clockwatch: You Make My Dre! ams Come True (because I watched 50/50 last night and I'm digging Josepeh Gordon-Levitt)
Preamble: Hello and welcome to the home of Football BANTER!! Or bantz, as we like to call it. Oi, oi! Who are yer? Who are yer? Gertcha, mash potatoes. And so on and so forth. I will be dropping my 'h's and elongating my vowels to bring you all the goals in the people's game, from three of the clock. There are six Premier League match-ups, nearly a dozen in the Championship, 23 games in Leagues One and Two, and all the antics of the Soccer Saturday crew to thrill your senses distract you from the impending Yuletide doom. Why, there's even some fitba north of the border, for the desperate connoiseurs ... It's time to channel your inner Lovejoy (no, not that one).
Today's 3pm kick-offs
Premier League
Bolton v Everton
Chelsea v Wolverhampton
Manchester United v Newcastle
Norwich v QPR
Sunderland v Wigan
West Brom v Tottenham
Championship
Blackpool v Birmingham
Brighton v Coventry
Bristol City v Southampton
Cardiff v Nottingham Forest
Crystal Palace v Millwall
Doncaster v Watford
Hull v Burnley
Ipswich v Reading
Leeds v Barnsley
Peterborough v Middlesbrough
Portsmouth v Leicester
League One
Bournemouth v Oldham
Bury v Preston
Carlisle v Colchester
Exeter v Tranmere
Hartelpool v Yeovil
MK Dons v Wycombe
Notts County v Scunthorpe
Rochdale v Brentford
Sheffield Wednesday v Leyton Orient
Stevenage v Walsall
League Two
Accrington Stanley v Dagenham & Redbridge
Burton Albion v AFC Wimbledon
Crewe v Hereford
Gillingham v Bradford
Oxford United v Cheltenham
Plymouth v Northampton
Rotherham v Crawley
Shrewsbury v Morec! ambe
Southend v Bristol Rovers
Swindon v Aldershot
Scottish Premier League (and beyond)
Celtic v St Mirren
Dunfermline v Aberdeen
Hearts v Inverness
Motherwell v Dundee
St Johnstone v Hibernian
Morton v Queen of the South (First Division)
Cowdenbeath v Dumbarton (Second)
Alloa v East Stirling (Third)
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